Relationship Goals: Surviving Having Children
The title of this article may seem a bit grim–is it really that hard to survive having kids? Well, it can be. Danish Actor Helle Joof once said that it should be illegal to divorce within the first three years of having a child. The quote got a lot of traction in the Danish press, for exposing in an honest way just how hard it is for relationships to survive when parenthood is suddenly thrust upon two people. I mean, how many times have we seen this happen? This is certainly true for same-sex or heterosexual couples. There are many reasons why this is so difficult– a complete upheaval of individual schedules, disturbed sleep patterns, careers put on hold, new financial considerations, and many emotional negotiations.
Our personal experiences are in heterosexual relationships, with three kids each— so we’ll speak to that. It seems that at the very foundation of this experience is a difference in the instinctual evolutionary drives of men and women. It is a cruel disparity that is the basis for many challenges.
When baby comes, Mama is full-on, all the time. There could be societal norms at pressure here, but there’s also a deep, instinctual drive for mothers to focus solely on their babies. So Daddy has got to accept that there’s a new person that is the priority for getting their needs met, and that is getting most (if not all) of Mama’s attention. And, of course, an emotionally mature man can handle this. Unfortunately, they can be hard to find. To add to the problem, a lot of women lose their sex drive, and most men don’t. This is another cruel disparity that may have deep evolutionary origins for the propagation of the species. It is also where the battle lines are drawn in the relationships of many new parents. Women want, and need unconditional support for their jobs as new mothers, and, although many men want to give that, they can’t seem to suppress all of their own deep instinctual needs. It’s possible that men adapt to this lack of intimacy by embracing a fantasy life of some kind that draws them further away from their partner, making matters all the worse. Many marriages end under these circumstances. Perhaps there should be a male hormone pill on the market that deadens men’s sex drives for the first few years of their children’s lives.
That’s where we go back to the quote from Helle Joof. It’s just about at the three-year mark where things start to normalize. So, if couples haven’t had it with each other at that point, they have a chance. However, many rifts could have been formed in those early years— and it could take some serious work to mend them. In our experience, it’s been essential for both people to recognize the degree of personal sacrifices that have been made. It has also been essential to make very clear agreements about responsibilities and jobs in the home. It’s also worth it to get all the help you need to improve communication with each other.
Perhaps part of the solution is for both members of the relationship to recognize the fact that many deep evolutionary instincts are at play, and they’re not doing them any favors. It really is a challenging set up. But in our experience, it’s worth the work of getting through these first few years with young kids. You may actually get to a new place, where you’re really enjoying each other again. That’s been our experience.
It’s been said that divorce solves one problem, and creates 20 more— and who needs more problems? On this side of things, we can take the philosophical viewpoint that all these challenges are part of our personal developments, and have improved who we are as partners and as human beings.
Many of the world’s spiritual traditions teach that we have agreed to the challenges that we will face in our lifetimes. It’s not a bad belief to follow, it actually removes the idea of being a victim in your life. If we simply accept the challenges we've been given in life, and believe that they are a gift for our personal development, we can just get down to the work at hand.
Until next time
Scott and Lennart