Anger and Emotional Labor
A recent coffee talk we’ve had centered on the topic of anger. We were discussing being in situations with other parents–it could be a sporting event or a school-related meeting–and how some parents just seem to show up angry and are unable to regulate their emotions. It seems they are unable to maintain their “public face” as a parent that “has it together.” The energy it takes to maintain the social norm of a parent in these situations has become too much. It’s a concept that we can all identify with–sometimes life is just “too much” and maintaining “socially acceptable” levels of emotions is no longer possible. The emotional labor of maintaining an outwardly positive face has become too difficult, and a breakdown occurs.
Sociologist Arlie Hochschild coined the concept of emotional labor in her book, The Managed Heart (1983). Hochschild’s research explored the experiences of flight attendants who were required to put on a smiling face as a part of their jobs, despite what difficulties they might be encountering with passengers. The idea is that when employees introduce or suppress emotions in order to portray themselves in a certain light, it involves a high degree of emotional labor that takes a lot of energy, and causes a lot of stress. This phenomenon can be seen in all kinds of institutions and other social structures, including the family.
Perhaps anger is the signal we have when we can no longer maintain the socially acceptable facade that we feel we should maintain. Perhaps it’s a useful warning that something has to change. If we ignore the signals, and just press onward—things get messy.
We’ve all experienced that some people are more angry than others—or perhaps there are times when we ourselves are more angry than other times—why? Psychology Today lists the character traits that can lead to anger, based on research:
• Entitlement (believing that one’s rights and privileges are superior to those of other people)
• Focusing on things out of personal control (such as a partner’s behavior)
• External regulation of emotions (trying to regulate emotions by controlling one’s environment)
• External locus of control (believing well-being is controlled by sources outside of oneself)
• Refusal to see other perspectives (viewing different perspectives as threats)
• Low tolerance for discomfort
• Low tolerance for ambiguity
• Hyperfocus on blame
• A fragile ego
Not coincidentally, all of these factors have to do with our desire to control the people and world around us. So, when anger rears its ugly head, it could be useful to ask ourselves, “What am I trying to control here?”
Physically, our bodies go into survival mode when we are angry. We are ready to fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. We cannot think our way out of it when our nervous system is in this condition. We can, however, breathe our way out of it. Deep, slow belly breaths in through the nose, with even longer slow exhales through the mouth can restore our nervous systems to a normal state again.
Life can be frustrating—hell, it can be downright maddening—but to the exact extent we are able to keep the focus on ourselves, are we able to make things better. Yes, we are often powerless over life’s circumstances, but we always have the power to change something in ourselves—even if it’s just a slight change of perspective.
The emotional labor of living with and suppressing our anger will always take its toll. A developing area of scientific research is exploring the relationship of the suppression of anger to the development of a range of chronic diseases. So, it makes good sense to listen to anger. It’s trying to tell you something.
Until next time
Scott and Lennart