Responding, Not Reacting

If—

By Rudyard Kipling 

(‘Brother Square-Toes’—Rewards and Fairies)

If you can keep your head when all about you   

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;   

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;   

If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   

Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   

And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

We ran across this poem, and it reminded us of the essential struggle along the path to becoming an emotionally mature human being: Being able to respond instead of react. Being proactive instead of reactive. 

It struck us that if one can even come close to mastering this idea in their lives, they have found the key to better relationships with others and with themselves. The superhuman ability to not lash out, but to stay silent— or even to gently spit out a, “Let me think about this,“ or “Let me get back to you on this,” could save endless amounts of energy and avoid endless amounts of pain. 

It really is the battleground of the ego. Our egos have a direct hotline to our primitive hind brain that just wants to throw down and jump into battle. Anything that is perceived as a threat to our precious ego immediately puts us on red alert. 

You might be thinking, “That seems easy enough, all I have to do is marshall the will to not respond. I can do that!” Well, dear Coffee, Talkers, in our experience, this is where things get a bit complicated.

Often our emotional reactions to things that people say are rooted in early-life traumas that trigger us. It is not only the situations that trigger us, but the very relationship to the people that we’re having this situation with that is also deeply rooted in trauma. For instance, our spouse could be telling us for the third time to take out the trash. We could perceive this as being said in a nasty tone that may remind us of a tone our mother used with us when we were a child. So now this situation is not only that we feel patronized, but that we’re reacting to our relationship with our mother, that may have been quite dysfunctional and rooted in trauma. On top of that, this basic blueprint may be something we have laid over every authority person that we have in our lives, and we may be further reacting to not liking being bossed around. In addition, our lack of response might trigger our spouse. They may be looking for a certain response, and not getting it, and this may trigger them based on their own childhood trauma— heightening their response and potentially triggering us even more. So suddenly, we have a lot of things to work through in one brief moment.

Too many. 

This is essentially why the journey from being reactive to being proactive is really a lifelong one. One has to take the time and make the effort to address childhood traumas and explore how they have an effect on our lives today. And one has to try their new skills out in relationships. In fact, it may take many, many relationships until any real progress is made. It’s a tough journey. But, in our nearly 100 years of combined experience—it’s also the only journey, for it is quite literally where true happiness lies.

It’s also the closest thing to where reality lies. If we are just reacting blindly to everything in our lives, we’re just a pinball being shot around by things that are completely beyond our control. But once we practice pausing and reflecting on where these feelings are coming from, we can respond thoughtfully, and be much more in touch with what is really happening around us.

Making this practice our North Star in life will lead to better relationships at work and in our personal lives. It will also have a profound effect on those that witness us handling situations in this manner. We can be teachers to everyone in our lives of what it looks like to talk-the-talk and walk-the-walk. 

It also truly leads to a deep self-respect and feeling of accomplishment, because in every “pause,” there truly is a lifetime of work.

So, get out there and talk to someone about your childhood trauma. They are there. Talk to a professional if you have trouble finding them. Then practice not reacting in your personal and professional life. And reap the rewards. 

Until next time

Scott and Lennart