Keeping the Focus on Myself
Of all the sayings, mantras, memes, concepts, and wise sayings that fly around through our lives–this may be the most fundamental and important: Keeping the focus on ourselves.
We all have past experiences that shape us, and cause us to react in certain ways. This is a part of living life–we use our past experiences to inform what we do today. But often, things trigger us, and we find ourselves reacting (or overreacting) in a passionate way that we might regret after some calm reflection.
Things get really interesting when we get triggered by someone, and it is because the other person is being triggered by something. Trigger sandwich! In a situation like this, it gets very challenging to pause before reacting. It can feel like we are fighting for our lives. As Gandalf from The Lord of the Rings exclaims, “The line must be drawn here!”
There is a great checklist to go through that comes out of 12 step recovery circles that is perfect for these kinds of situations:
Does it need to be said?
Does it need to be said by me?
Does it need to be said right now?
If yes to all of the above, can it be said with kindness?
These four questions form the perfect template for a response in any situation, whether it be personal or professional. But they are goals to strive for, and can rarely be executed perfectly.
Try as we might, we humans just can’t make things as black and white as we would like to. Most of life happens in the gray. Most of life is messy. But if we strive to keep the focus on ourselves, and we feel a response is needed–we use the four-point checklist above, we will be well on our way to communicating in a more effective manner–even if we don’t do it perfectly.
Inserting a pause when we feel an impassioned response is needed (and right now!) takes some practice. Perhaps it is a life-long practice. But to the extent that we can accomplish it, may be the precise extent to which we can live peaceful and productive lives.
Until next time
Scott and Lennart