Ego-Driven Madness

It’s slowly becoming clear to me that my life trajectory has been fueled by an ego-driven madness—my ego tirelessly searching for things to prop itself up, and strengthen it’s hold on my identity.  From my teens until my mid-30s, I was consumed by the desire to become a rock star. Yes—I was serious about the creative side of my craft—but I wanted the kind of validation that only rock superstardom could provide. Oops. Did I just say that out loud? Heartbreak. Unbearable emotional pain. More than my ego could take. More alcohol. More drugs. Searching, searching. 

Thank heavens I got sober and transitioned out of music and into acting. Surely acting superstardom was right around the corner. Searching, searching. I remember when I had a few gigs in a row, and was feeling good about myself. I told an acting friend of mine, “I feel like this is it—this is where things are going to take off!” “They’re not,” he said solemnly.  He was right. 

Searching, searching. Well certainly it’s time to settle down. This beautiful woman. Yes, I will win her over and have kids with her. Perfect kids. Whew. Done. Oops. Searching, searching. Damn! I need validation and respect in my new family life career of being a personal trainer. Make that Star Personal Trainer! But not Personal Trainer to the Stars—screw those people. Yeah—anyway—let’s go! I’m ready! Searching, searching.

(If you think this is exhausting to read, imagine living it!)

I believe the only thing that could stop this ego-driven madness was the ultimate “Bitch Slap from the Universe”—a heart attack.  “Yeah, your heart stopped for over 40 minutes, how do you feel now?” (I’m talking to my ego right now.) No answer. Wow.  Amazing. That guy (my ego) always has something to say. 

Wait, what’s this? What is this state, where everything has been stripped away? What is left over, after everything else is gone? Is this... <<gulp>>  Me? Just being? Not planning? Just grateful for this moment? Grateful to share tears with loved ones? Grateful to feel this incredible human connection? Existing in a space of pure love? Oops. It’s gone.

Let’s get strong again. Stronger than before. Grrrr. They’ll write it on my tombstone—”This Old Dude Was Strong.” Ha ha ha. Yes! Wait. What?

Aw man. 

The wound. The wound that fuels ego-driven madness. Oh, this is icky. Mom. Unmet needs. Trauma. Inner child. Yuck. 12 steps, 12 more steps—ugh. Self-care? Wait.  Yeah—the feeling again. Everything stripped away. Grateful. Moments. Love. Connection. The new searching, searching. Observing. Observing the ego. Reminding myself—many times per day. This is the ego talking. Observing it from a slight distance—just enough space—that’s me.   

The real me—free, for a moment at least, from ego-driven madness.

—Scott