Depression, PTSD, and Anxiety
This blog article is going to get very personal–so family, friends, strangers–if that sort of thing is abhorrent to you–turn back now!
A quick scrolling binge through Instagram will turn up more than a couple of posts about how you can kick depression by jogging, or lifting weights, or ice baths, or walks in nature, or…you get the point. I’m here to say, that’s not always the case. I have struggled with various waves of depression throughout my life–and I’ve tried just about everything to keep it at bay. In fact, part of what I do as a Health Coach is help people manage stress and depression through physical activity, nutrition, and tools like ice baths, cold showers, sun exposure, and getting out in nature. But despite all my efforts, I found myself swinging into some very low points over the last six months–without being able to justify it with the existence of any negative external circumstances. I just hit some kind of wall. It was scary for me, and it was scary for my family. One of the things that was particularly tricky about the situation is that my depression/PTSD/anxiety symptoms were frequently manifesting as agitation and anger that wasn’t nice for me or my family. The good thing is, it pushed me into a place where I could really hear my partner when she said, “You really should see someone about this.”
The result was that I am now on a serotonin and noradrenaline reuptake inhibitor. The serotonin part targets the depression, and the noradrenaline part targets the PTSD and the anxiety. I have never been this much at peace in my whole life. That is both the good news and the sad news.
Why the sad news? Well, the doctor said that it could take up to two weeks to feel the results of the meds. It took three hours. I asked the doctor–”The way I feel–is it how normal people feel–or am I feeling, like, extra happy?” She told me it doesn’t work that way–it’s not a “happy pill.” This is how other people feel. So, here I was, feeling totally at peace in my head, for the first time in 57 years. Why did I wait? All those years…I could have…I should have…
A main challenge for me is that I am a drug addict in recovery. For 20 years I have been fundamentally against having a pill being part of the solution for me. I’ve always had the fear that I was stepping onto a hopelessly slippery slope if I took a pill that made me feel good. So I’m adjusting. I’m revamping my values. I’m practicing accepting that I have mental challenges and that I am infinitely better on this medication. It helps that it is so abundantly clear that “Medicated Dad” is so much nicer to be around for my family. As my partner says, “It’s like night and day.” There’s not much wiggle room there.
So why am I so incredibly depleted when it comes to serotonin? After doing quite a bit of research, I believe there’s a complex network of factors. These are broken down into what Gabor Mate calls “small t” traumas (needs that were not met) and “large T” traumas (dramatic life-threatening events).
So–let’s start with the “small t” traumas. These, gathered over one’s childhood, are what contribute to “Complex PTSD:” For starters, I was not breast fed–so those initial doses of feel-good hormones that are transferred during breastfeeding didn’t get to me. That would be ok, if I had a secure physical and emotional attachment to my Mom anyway–but as it turned out, I was the last of five kids–and most of the baby duties were thrust upon my older sisters. As one of my sisters recently told me, “You were our baby.” So, there was an insecure attachment to my Mom from the start. Bad start.
Then as life progressed, I experienced all of what Nicole LePera, The Holistic Psychologist, describes as the Trauma Bond Archetypes. Yes, I had all of them:
Having a parent that denies your reality. This could be when a parent tells you that what you are feeling is not valid. In my case, there was a lot of talk of me being overly sensitive, and therefore I received the message that what I was feeling was not valid or “right.”
Having a parent who does not see or hear you. This could be when a parent is not there for you when you need emotional support, or when a parent is emotionally immature and gives “the silent treatment” or “cold shoulder” as a punishment (both of which I experienced).
Having a parent who vicariously lives through you or molds and shapes you. This could be the idea of a “stage mother” who pushes you into show business. For me, it was the opposite–a mother that didn’t recognize me for who I was (an artist and performer) and insisted that I go to college for a liberal arts degree, in order to get a “well paying, steady job.”
Having a parent who does not model boundaries. This could be when a parent confides in a child, as if they were an adult, on relationship or financial matters (both of which I experienced).
Having a parent who is overly focused on appearance. The message was always clear from my Mom that you were a success if you were thin and had a clear complexion.
Having a parent who cannot regulate their emotions. My Mom had legendary emotional outbursts. Her go-to declaration when she was really angry was, “Goddammit Scott, I could just kill you!” This she said to me from about five years old–and that may have been a “large T” trauma–but at any rate–it’s a good segue to the next section.
“Large T” traumas are events that people typically associate with PTSD. For instance, if someone is sexually or physically abused. It can also be a life-threatening experience like I had with my heart attack four years ago.
What I’m getting at–and how I hope I can help–is to say that if any of these things resonate with you–take them seriously. Any one of these things can shoot you off like a ricocheting pinball into many different behaviors and coping mechanisms that only perpetuate the problem. In my case, I chased “feeling good” at every turn. In fact, my time as a heroin addict may have further damaged the delicate balance of brain chemistry that we humans need. Feeling good should not be really hard work. That’s how it’s been for me. If you’re feeling really down, get help. Sure–try different remedies–keep searching. But if you have been depressed for a long time, or your low points are frighteningly low–talk to your doctor or psychiatrist about the possibility of medication. I wish I hadn’t waited so long. Now that I’m on this medication, I feel like I can actually follow through on so many of the spiritual ideas I have read about over the years. I think about the medicine now as a useful aid in taking me to the next level of the ongoing journey of self-discovery of who I am and what I can do in the world.
Until next time,
Scott