The Victim Drug
Few addictions are so alluring as “playing the victim.” This is especially true if you have the perfect setup: Someone or some institution or some natural disaster has done you wrong–real wrong. You have a whole angry mob of supporters behind you wagging their fingers at the perpetrator–they want blood. They want to hold you in their arms and caress your fevered brow. You have been through hell and back, and never has the villain of a story been so easy to identify and wage war upon. Not only do they support your commitment to lying in the fetal position, they recommend you stay that way for the foreseeable future–just raising your head now and then to whisper commands during what is planned to be the longest, most drawn-out character assassination in the history of humankind. It’s tempting. Ooooo, it’s tempting.
But it’s a trap.
To precisely the extent that we engage in the victim mentality is real growth lost.
Ouch. That hurt even to write. But it’s so true. As we step into the victim pool, and swim around a bit, sure–it feels nice and warm. The pool is filled with plenty of people, and you don’t even have to swim under your own power–they are there to hold you up and guide you around wherever you want to go. The problem is, you could be getting stronger–you could be on your way to becoming a better swimmer–but instead you’re just being carried around.
When we play the victim card we are surrounded by well-meaning friends, but we rob ourselves of the fruits of self-examination and the opportunity to really learn something about ourselves. Every challenge in life, every betrayal, every terrible setback, can be flipped on its head and regarded as an opportunity for growth. It is the only way to save oneself from falling prey to victimhood. Where do you start?
We suggest a few steps in our Coffee Talkers Guide to “Just Saying No” to The Victim Drug:
Acknowledge that you are in the grips of this powerful beast. Spend some quiet time alone–do you find yourself perpetually pointing the finger at someone or something else as the cause of your plight? That’s ok. It is a subtle foe that tempts us all. This first step is to just recognize that it is happening.
Know that you can do something about it. Have compassion for yourself, yes. This is a tough situation, and you may not have deserved it. But you don’t want to perpetuate these feelings of wrongdoing. Be open to taking action to do something to help yourself.
Find gratitude for something in your situation. Even if all you can find is the old adage “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger,” that’s enough to build on. As you work on this, more corny sayings will likely become truisms: “One door closes, another door opens,” “God did for me what I couldn’t do for myself,” and “The truth shall set you free.”
Recognize that you are rising out of victimhood’s clutches like the phoenix from the ashes. You are doing the work, and it’s paying off–another thing to be grateful for!
Take a look at the part you might have played in the situation. Maybe it is just ignoring your intuition about something–what a great lesson! Don’t do that again. Maybe it’s something more. It’s not about assigning blame–it’s about the opportunity to learn about yourself. What could you have done differently?
When the opportunity arises, be there for someone else that is taking The Victim Drug. Share your experience with them–show them the way out.
Yes, The Victim Drug is like emotional crack cocaine. It is so tempting to go there. But you do have a choice. Next time this monster has you in its clutches, try the above steps to change your perspective. You may end up feeling grateful for the experience, which is the death knell for victimhood.
Until next time
Scott and Lennart