Statistically Speaking, You’re Not a Loser

We’ve all been there at one time or another–staring at the horizon of our lives and seeing nothing but a wasteland of failure. The funny (or not so funny) thing about human beings is that it doesn’t take much to get down on ourselves. One negative experience or two often colors our whole perception of the lives we’re living. 

In statistics there is a law saying you can’t take something specific and generalize with it. And, of course, that makes logical sense. Let’s say you were testing a group of 30 people to see what effect running at 70% of their max heart rate for 30 minutes three times per week had on their VO2 Max, and you found that one of the participants developed knee pain. You would not conclude that running at 70% of your max heart rate for 30 minutes three times per week causes knee pain in all people. 

The challenge is, we humans are not logical creatures. We are continually influenced by our feelings, which immediately takes us out of the reality of any situation–and on top of that, we are continually associating present events with past events–often drawing dismal conclusions based on perceived historical failures. But remember our statistical law of generalizations based on specifics–you’re not a loser!

So despite whatever tough times we are going through–whatever specific things are going on with us–we cannot conclude that we are losers or failures–or any other general conclusion. This can be tough when the life experience in question is highly stressful and has a large impact. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), the most stressful life events include:

• Death of a loved one.

• Divorce.

• Moving.

• Major illness or injury.

• Job loss.

When you have three or four of these live events going on at once, it can seem pretty grim. It can really feel like, “Oh, this is how things are now. Life is just kicking the crap out of me, and then I will die.” If we look at the list from WHO, we can see one common denominator: powerlessness. How do you combat the brutal powerlessness that accompany these life events? Here’s our Coffee Talkers Guide to Combating Powerlessness, and the Feeling of Being a Loser:

• What things are going right? Remember, we’re not going to generalize based on a specific variable–so what other things are going right in your life? Write them down, and refer to them often.

• Go where it is warm. Lean into the relationships in your life that feel safe. Spend time with those that truly value you, believe in you, and see the best in you.

• Double up on self-care–exercise, meditation, cold showers, breathwork, and whole foods will all make you feel better right away. 

• Grab a spiritual book and start working your way through it. “When Things Fall Apart,” by Pema Chödrön, “The Power of Now,” by Eckhart Tolle, and “How to Do the Work,” by Dr. Nicole LePera are favorites of ours–but most spiritual books have common underlying principles that aid us in changing a victim narrative into an empowering embrace of new agency in our lives.

• Create. Nothing is as good for the soul, and as life affirming as creating something from nothing. Write, paint, sing, dance, play–anything will do the trick.

• Make a plan.  So you’re in a tough spot. What can you do today? This week? By the end of the month? Writing a plan down is a powerful affirmation of your agency in changing things for the better. 

So remember, don’t listen to what your negative thoughts are telling you–statistically speaking, you’re not a loser. And there’s a lot you can do to take back your agency in making things better. 

Until next time

Scott and Lennart