So You Forgive Yourself, Now What?

I am at a turning point in my life.  Maybe it’s just a mid-life crisis (or opportunity?) that we all will go, or have been, through. I suppose I am lucky that my life comes with a very clear dividing point: before and after a heart attack that nearly killed me. It’s an easy-to-identify sign that some things need to change. I wrote an article a few weeks ago about forgiving yourself.  That’s all fine and good–but now what? 

I’ve mentioned Dr. Niclole LePera’s book “How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal From Your Past, Create Your Self,” quite a few times in past articles. I really can’t recommend it enough. It basically is a guided tour through your childhood to help you recognize the unmet needs you had, and how those experiences are affecting you now. And what to do about it! It is truly a powerful journey. But, the basic concepts are really not all that revolutionary. Many spiritual paths, including 12-step recovery groups, involve a process of self-examination, self-forgiveness–and perhaps the biggest of all: A living amends to yourself to do things differently. In Dr. LePera’s book, there is an assignment at the end of the chapter “Meet Your Inner Child,” where you write a letter to your inner child. It basically becomes a recognition of the care you didn’t get as a child, along with the promise that your adult self will now give you that care that you so desperately needed then. I was reminded of it when I was charged by my sponsor with the task of writing an amends to myself in the 12-step program Al-Anon (a program for people that have relationships with alcoholics or drug addicts–whether they are sober or not). I realized that it was kind of a letter to my pre-heart-attack self–and a promise that things will be different from this point onward.  Although I feel very vulnerable sharing this–I’m doing it in the hopes that it might inspire at least one other person to change the relationship they have with themselves.

Dear Scott,

I want to make amends for not accepting and loving you for exactly who and how you are. I want to make amends for never truly forgiving you for the hurts you have caused. I want to make amends to you for always being so hard on you–for judging you, tearing you down, and punishing you at the slightest sign of you not getting what you desired and planned for in life. I want to make amends to you for expecting you to be perfect all the time, in every situation, to everyone. I want to make amends for not believing in you–for not believing that you deserve the best in life. I want to make amends for making fame your higher power. I want to make amends for poisoning you for decades with drugs and alcohol and rendering you useless to yourself and others. I want to make amends for choosing so many times to enter into relationships with people that didn’t even know how to love themselves, and all the dysfunction and unbearable pain that goes with trying to love people that have no business even being in a relationship (and that includes you). I want to make amends for focusing so much on your physical appearance, until you were swirling down a black hole of dysmorphia and self hatred. I want to make amends for making your romantic partners your higher powers over and over and over again, until your heart literally broke and stopped working. I want to make amends for not pursuing the kind of deep healing work that you have so desperately needed. I want to make amends for not cherishing you for the divine spirit that you are. I want to make amends for not giving you a fraction of the empathy and compassion I give to others. I want to make amends for continually making you the target of ruthless and cruel self-deprecating humor. I want to make amends for convincing you that you are a trapped, helpless victim–and that the only way to survive was to desperately control everything you could with a cast-iron grip.  I will strive to do better by you from this point onward, as we let go and become something new.  

I love you,

Scott