Self-care During Tough Times
I’m sitting here in a small, 2.5m x 3.5m room that I am very grateful to have. It’s not, however, the life I had planned for myself at 56 years old. From time to time, I have written some very personal blog articles that have seemed to resonate with people, and if this one helps you in any way, it will have been worth doing.
I will skip over the circumstances of my divorce because I’m not even sure it matters. What matters is my ability to take care of myself to stick around a while and be there for my kids, myself, and others. The ability to do that was slipping away from me–and that is not something I’m willing to lose anymore.
Sometimes, you walk willingly into heartbreak. Because it is clear that your time as partners has run its course. For a while, you fit together seamlessly. But over time, your paths have started to diverge. It has become too hard to meet each other in the middle, and your heart no longer feels at home. There is only so much trying you can do, before you say, “Enough,” and take a new direction. Even though the future is unclear, you know that moving forward alone is what you need to grow and be free.
–Yung Pueblo Clarity and Connection
One of the blessings of dying for 40 minutes, and then making it back–is that the basics of life become very clear. The idea that we have this one day–today–and that it needs to be possible to have a great day–I insist upon that.
The Demons
I write about this stuff all the time, but it’s still tough to stick to my routines when there is so much emotional labor going on in my head. I’m fighting off the demons in my head, a lot of the time. The idea that I have failed my kids, and that I have irreparably damaged them in some way. The idea that I am not capable of a lasting relationship. The idea that I am just some lost manchild who will never grow up and get a “real” life. The idea that I am surfing a 56-year-long wave of disappointment, with occasional splashes of mediocrity. It’s all bullshit. The truth is I am logging personal victory after personal victory. One of my idols, David Bowie, once said, “Aging is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been.” On my good days, I am really feeling that. On my bad days, I need some help reminding me.
Self-care Basics
Even though I do this kind of stuff for a living, it’s still hard when times are tough. Here is my list of tools:
Breathwork. As soon as I wake up, I don’t move from the bed. I do five minutes of breathwork. Deep belly breaths: seven seconds in through the nose, seven seconds out through the nose.
Prayer. Yup–before I get out of bed, I ask the creative force of the universe to guide me today–to help me be loving and of service to others.
Cold water immersion. Or, as I like to call it, “an emotional exorcism.” Nothing changes my thought patterns and fills me with positivity and energy like cold water.
Move. Move a muscle, change a thought. Works every time. Even a couple of minutes of some movement will do the trick. This I do throughout the day.
Pick up the phone and call a friend. That phone can be pretty heavy when I’m feeling down, but I make myself check in with one of my trusted crew of advisors.
Read a spiritual book. I just finished “Clarity and Connection” by Yung Pueblo. It is kind of the ultimate “break-up book.” I commute on my bike, so I always have an audiobook going in my head. I consider it positive and necessary brainwashing.
Eat to support health. I need the best fuel to be strong, emotionally and physically. I try to mostly eat real food (no list of ingredients), lots of veggies, and lots of water.
Have a vision. I have a vision that my ex-wife and I will become better friends than ever, and that we will be a loving co-parenting team for our three beautiful children. I reflect often upon that, in hopes that it becomes a steady, working part of my mind.
Let hope in. My friend often reminds me: “Do you really think you’ve been through all this shit in life, plus making it back from the jaws of death–only to live a life of misery?” I’m a survivor. I make it through things, and things get better. There is a lot of evidence to support that.
Notice the love around me. I am so fortunate to be surrounded by love and care. It shows up all the time, and in so many ways.
Practice gratitude. Before I fall asleep at night, I do another deep breathing session, while contemplating a list of things I am grateful for.
Do I do all this stuff perfectly? No. But I have this plan, and try my best to do it. When I falter, I try not to beat myself up–and just get myself back on track. It’s working so far.
The exact extent that I take care of myself is the exact extent that I can be there for others, and show up in the world.
–Scott