Non-negotiables
“The line must be drawn here!” Asking for what we need in a relationship can quickly turn to dramatic black-and-white demands. There are so many emotions tied up in these negotiations, that it’s easy to lose sight of the big picture (that includes the other person). It gets even more challenging when it feels like something we absolutely must have—non-negotiables in a relationship.
In this article, we hope to navigate these tricky waters, and offer some tips on asking for what you need, while respecting and honoring yourself, and your partner.
Non-negotiables—are there really such things? Well, there can be very general ones that are easy to get behind. Maybe you need your partner to be a lawfully abiding citizen. “If you turn out to be a serial killer, it’s over.” But what about not filing tax returns? Over? Not over? Perhaps a period is set out to work towards doing the tax returns? These are comedic examples, but the ones that come up in real life are often not so funny—and charged with emotion.
What about areas of self-care? When these things come up, they are usually in two different categories: time and money. Both can quickly become hot-button topics, fueled by the endless struggle to find balance within and outside the family. There are two people wanting to protect and take care of themselves–attempting to draw boundaries that often don’t match up nicely in a dovetail of met needs. The risk of explosion is real.
Today we are stepping into this minefield to attempt to design The Coffee Talkers’ Guide to Negotiating Self-Care Non-Negotiables. Does that even make sense?
Set a date and time to discuss these things when both partners are relatively stress-free. Definitely don’t bring up something when someone is on the way to work, or at work.
Meet to talk about important items in a neutral location. Then there is much less chance of dirty dishes in the sink, or cat poop in the litterbox inflaming the situation.
Talk about your need for this thing by identifying the feelings surrounding it. Let your partner know why you feel so strongly about this by going inward.
Keep the focus on yourself. As soon as things descend into “Well you do such-and-such, why shouldn’t I do such-and-such,” it’s Game Over. A fight is likely to ensue.
Remind yourself going in, that you love this person–and you want each of you to feel valued and respected in the relationship. If your partner gets their needs met–it’s also good for you.
When it comes to things that cost money, make sure that an income inequity doesn’t give one partner more power or say in the situation. In these matters, the combined household income must be assessed.
When it comes to matters of time, make sure that both partners feel that time trade-offs are equal and fair.
In summary, asking for what you need can be a tricky business where emotions can quickly run high. However, by following some simple principles grounded in respect and consideration of your partner, these dangerous waters can be navigated with satisfactory results for all concerned.
Until next time
Scott and Lennart