It’s Not Gonna Happen That Way
A friend of ours recently told us about a little tool he uses: He has a post-it note on the bathroom mirror that says, “It’s not going to happen that way.” On the door, as he’s leaving the house, he has posted another note that says, “Or like that.”
We all have plans about how our lives, and the lives of our loved ones, should go. As life goes on, more and more of those plans seem to not pan out quite the way we had intended. That’s just part of life, but it’s easy to get down on ourselves about it. Last week we talked about the physical side of aging gracefully–but what about the mental side? There seems to be just as many mental adjustments to make as we get older as physical ones.
Compare and Despair
One of the most destructive things we can do is compare ourselves to others. The house(s), the car(s), the money, the kids and their accomplishments, the jobs, the vacations, ugh. It feels gross just writing this stuff. But, we’ve all been there. What’s behind this cruel streak, aimed at ourselves? We think it’s the fundamental relationship we have with ourselves. Maybe it doesn’t matter where these tendencies to judge ourselves harshly come from–our parents, social media, or just the human condition–the question is what to do about it?
The Golden Rule to Yourself
When the negative self-chatter is buzzing away like a hornet’s nest in your head, try this trick: Would you talk to a good friend this way? We think it’s a great idea to try the old “Golden Rule” on ourselves. “Do unto yourself, as you would do unto others.” You would never just start tearing into a loved one about how they should have done this or that differently–so why do it to yourself? We think any time spent meditating on yourself in a positive way is time well-spent. In 12-step recovery communities, there is the concept of taking a daily inventory of yourself. We think it’s vital to make a mental list of the things you did right today at the end of the day. Sure, you can spend some time thinking about what you could have done better–but the most time should be spent on what you did right. This is a great way to cultivate an improved relationship with yourself.
Chances are that things will not go as we hoped for in life. If we walk around ruminating about all of our failings, we will soon become an old house haunted with many ghosts. As time goes by, we think it’s a great idea to set the goal of being gentler and gentler with ourselves. There’s a great Danish custom of saying, “Up again!” to toddlers when they take a wrong step and fall to the ground. Continuing to speak those compassionate words to ourselves amidst the ever-challenging and changing circumstances of life is a great way to age gracefully in our minds.
Until next time
Scott and Lennart