Forgive Yourself
After burning through 15 or so spiritual books over the last couple of years with the fervor that only the undead can muster, I can report a very prominent common denominator: The concept of forgiving yourself. From The Buddha, to Jesus, to Allah, to ancient Toltec wisemen—the concept of forgiveness comes up again and again. Forgive yourself. What do those words mean to you?
I immediately go to the most horrendous things I have done to others. I seemingly have a policy of continuing to punish myself, long after I have been forgiven by others. It’s even worse if they’re dead, like my parents. There is not even a reassuring opportunity to have a pat on the back and be told, “That’s alright, son.” Actually, to show you what a fantasy scenario that is, I will tell the story of when I made a Ninth Step amends to my parents, a part of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous where you basically get a chance to say you’re sorry for the wrongs you may have committed under the influence of alcohol and drugs. After I gave my big speech to my parents at the breakfast table, my Mom kind of half-whispered, “Well, that’s alright.” And my Dad just stood up, without a word, and walked into the other room. It’s quite possible that he got emotional and was in full retreat to escape breaking down in tears in front of me. Looking back on that scene as a parent myself now, I can guess that they probably had already forgiven me before I made that amends, and they were just incredibly relieved that I seemed to be getting my act together. I certainly would feel that way if I had that experience with one of my kids. Yet now I realize I didn’t forgive myself at that time.
Since my heart attack a couple of years ago, I started working the steps in Al-Anon–a program that really is about taking care of yourself if you are in a relationship (family, friend, romantic) with an alcoholic or drug addict (whether they are in recovery or not). And here I am again on Step Nine of this program. However, in Al-Anon, they do something pretty tricky. You are suggested to put yourself at the top of the list of amends to be made. First and foremost, you should try and forgive yourself.
At first I balked at the idea of even really having to do that. But my sponsor (a guide that takes you through the steps of the program) wisely slowed things down–and we’ve been discussing this concept of forgiving myself for many weeks now. And gradually things have been surfacing. Yeah, ok—maybe there are a couple of things I could forgive myself for. Then–wow. There are a lot of things to forgive myself for. There are the things I’ve done that I’m not proud of, yeah. But in a way, those are the easy ones to forgive. There are also more sneaky ones, like the all-pervasive pressure I put on myself to do things perfectly–to not make a mistake. For instance, I really get down on myself when I come face-to-face with the type of brain damage I sustained from my heart attack. I go straight to labeling myself in a variety of derogatory ways, and am quick to pronounce my uselessness to anyone or anything. I need to forgive myself for having some brain damage. Another one that may seem crazy–I need to forgive myself for having a heart attack. I can get very down on myself about that. I need to forgive myself for aging. How about that? I can get so down on myself for not being able to do the things I could do at 40–but I’m 55 now. Time has it s way with you. I can’t fight every little aspect of the aging process. I need to accept that more, and forgive myself.
There are also the overarching life trajectories that have all gone wrong. Did you know I was supposed to be a semi-retired international Rock God by this age? I should be sipping a tropical drink on a beach somewhere, reflecting on the critically acclaimed legacy I have left to the world with my prolific catalog of inspiring music. I’m going to have to forgive myself for that one, too. Well, ok–that’s over the top–but I should at least be able to buy my family a house, or a car. Nope. I’m going to have to forgive myself for that, too. And then there are the situations that I allowed myself to get into–sometimes subtle and sneaky–but always with the end result of me not being able to take care of myself. And it just keeps on happening. I have to forgive myself for that, too.
Why? Because when I forgive myself, I free myself from that very small world between my two ears where it’s all about me. Forgiving myself makes it possible for me to look outward and be of use to others. It also allows me to be of use to myself. Forgiveness allows me to care for myself. It saves me from this very low vibration of punishing myself–and everything that mode of operating attracts into my life. Forgiving myself puts me at a higher vibration that attracts good things and good people into my life. It’s a way of being gentle with myself, and I am in turn more gentle with others.
What is one thing you can forgive yourself for? Close your eyes and think about all the things you love about yourself, then just say it in your mind: “I forgive myself for _______.”
Until next time,
Scott